Life changes can be magical or disruptive or both. Some older women who are divorced, widowed, or never married, are totally dependent on mates. They don’t fare well being single – especially those coming from traditional relationships where their partner was dominant. They need to be coupled at all costs to help avoid feeling like half a person, a concept society wired into female brains. Many others are through with marriage in particular, not through with relationships. There are complications of blending adult children who fear losing their inheritance and women who want to avoid complications of melding finances, and especially when it involves lawyers. There are many instances where widowers want a wife to replace the perks of a previous woman who thought it her duty to serve a spouse — cooking, cleaning, never arguing, being a social secretary and never eclipsing him in intelligence. I make allowances for those who find marriage helps their finances as well as providing emotional stability.

After I was widowed, it took a while, but I learned to enjoy being on my own and having some alone time to boot. I became a friend to myself. Being alone wasn’t lonely. It was a time to try out some hobbies I always wanted to do and attend events I had little time to do before. For women like myself who have exercised a modicum of independence within a marriage it is a lot easier to rebuild and carve out a wonderful single life. There are fabulous networks of women friends to go out with as well as creating a community. You just have to make the effort for it to happen. I don’t see seek the prospect of marriage. Having babies would be the main motive to marry. Ain’t going to happen at this stage.

At some point, I decided to try dating. It became a sociological experience. Some men were divorced, some were widowers and some never married. In each category I ran into textbook behavior that duplicated over and over. Widowers, by and large, were looking for a woman to take the place of the departed wife of a long-term marriage. One insisted that dating him meant going to a religious service weekly. In truth, I barely go yearly. Another asked if I would make fresh orange juice every morning as his wife had done. Right. I don’t even drink orange juice. Another wanted me to grow long fingernails like his wife. I have very short nails because I’m banging computer keys every day. One set down rules that I don’t see my children as much as I do. Bye.  The topper was a date who, while in a lovely restaurant and in the middle of the meal, suddenly wailed that he’d forgotten to bring his stool softener. OMG. Who could eat after that?

Don’t despair. After years of widowhood and enjoying life to the fullest, out of the blue, I met a wonderful older guy. He’s vital, charming and we share many of the same interests. It happened when I least expected it. We both agreed that we’d not marry or live together, but we see each other regularly and take vacations as often as we can. He does his own laundry! I think to some extent older, single men have a sense of entitlement because they are in demand. Remember, in the upper reaches of age there are fewer men compared to women who tend to live longer. Another is that men can romance much younger women and that takes many out of the dating pool available to older women. My feeling is that a double standard still exists although just a bit more under the radar. Just look at the presidential election to see why older women are avoiding marriage. Look at what kind of rhetoric appeals to too many men. My hope is that one day, most men will meet women on a level playing field.

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