As an older woman I am more cognizant of how precious time is and try hard to utilize it better than I did at a younger age. I wasted a lot of time in my early adulthood trying to follow society’s unwritten laws as they concern appropriate behavior. I never fully accepted those rules, but they were in my face while living in the suburbs raising children. Some protocols assumed I wear the right clothing for each season (no white after labor day), others demanded some kind of religious affiliation (and appropriate attire for services). Conversation abounded, demeaning other religions and nationalities. I incurred outrage, attempting to stop criticism of different lifestyles. Most despairing was watching parents ghettoizing the minds of their children into the same narrow world they lived in by telling them to be friends with only those of the same religion.

To be sure, there are universal rules of behavior concerning empathy, kindness, generosity of spirit, helping the poor and disenfranchised and consideration for all. Artificial standards that judge issues such as class, intelligence, ethnicity, sexual preferences or economic status tend to interfere with benevolent actions. If we reserve our sympathies for only our own kind (whether age, race, religion, gender, etc.) then we have paused our moral compass indefinitely.

I am now trying to divest myself of a few of the imprisoning rules society inflicts on all of us – young and old. It is especially confining when the roles are designed for women. I don’t believe in the term “age appropriate” even if I knew exactly what that meant. After making sure my actions hurt no one and I’m receptive to other life choices, all else is out the window at this advanced stage of life. I find it a fertile time for expanding my horizons. Time is running out and I’m chasing after it. When society’s rules are dictatorial, I inquire about where they started and why they still exist? Many unwritten (sometimes written) rules that apply to women have been designed by men to keep women in place because women are often considered territory. Whether consciously or not, we older women generally adhere to those restrictions in-order-to be liked and admired.

Women are told they are free, but the upkeep of those images of behavior we are beholden to comes at a huge cost. It is emotionally draining when one is constantly trying to maintain a prescribed face to the world while suppressing who we really are. We have an outside appearance and a secret inside persona even though we might not see that on a conscious level. The effort is harmful mentally and physically and dissipates our sense of humor, an invaluable asset throughout life and especially in the last roundup of life. We are prevented from laughing at ourselves or at many of the defined rules for fear we will not be considered ladylike or age appropriate. Now, somewhat, unfettered of those invisible chains (although many have been grooved into our minds from birth and will never go away), I now try to make decisions about my own behavior without worry of criticism. One problem when criticizing other people’s choices is that you become vulnerable to the same out-of-date comportment rules specified on that invisible tablet.

What I’m after, having done much soul searching, is to develop the ability to step away from approved carbon copies of what is acceptable. Each day of work/play is harvested with greater care, hopefully like growing full-bodied grapes that will make good wine. I’ve finally become empowered to confront problematic issues without anxiety that the choices I make invoke disdain. I can decide which tenets of society work for me and those that don’t, but always with a mind to accept other choices people make.

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