The institution of marriage and what it means needs exploration because serious questions have been raised in recent times. As it stands now, the foundation of the marital state is shaky. Trying to understand all the implications probably requires thousands of volumes with no guarantee that anyone will come close to solutions on how to make it better. For my part, I wish to contribute a tiny piece to our unrelenting search into this aspect of life that can be the cause of delight or inflict enormous emotional, economic and psychological pain. We all know about the high divorce rate and the even higher percentage of unhappy marriages of those who remain in so-called committed relationships.

That word – committed – does it really tell the whole story? Married couples may say they are devoted to each other. Let’s dig a little deeper and look at the implications. As far as l’m concerned, being married does not necessarily mean committed. I’m not judging the right and wrong of what goes on in a marriage, but rather the meaning of the words used. If there is, on the part of one or both, verbal/physical abuse, lack of empathy, extra-marital affairs, intense power struggles or an emotional disconnect (among many other issues), can they still claim an undying reverence simply because they are married?

Is it necessary for marriages to be committed in every sense of the word? Almost all relationships function in varying degrees, but when they are merely tolerated then action is called for or the breakup seems inevitable. A word like commitment allows us to hide behind a false image. Words get tired and can be useless, but examining behavior (what you say and do) is what gives us the insights we need to make relationships better.Perhaps reevaluating the “C” word might help reach a more realistic understanding of how we interact as couples. Let’s touch on some of the issues that contribute to the breakdown of a relationship.

Some people thrive on anger and chaos because they were raised in that kind of atmosphere and, as adults, that kind of behavior is all they know. Experiencing happiness and serenity is foreign and tends to make this type of personality uncomfortable. They constantly create a disturbed environment, continuing the pattern of their upbringing although they desperately want love and happiness. They don’t know how to get it.
Along the same lines, unconsciously creating this chaotic world with loved ones might keep someone from facing their own depression or other emotional disorders.

This type of individual can create bedlam, get their partner to respond angrily, and then rationalize by labeling themselves as blameless. Through this manipulation, they can then deny responsibility and single out their mate’s anger as the cause of his/her unhappiness. These are smatterings of unconscious and semi-conscious deceptions that take place in relationships. For a marriage to succeed, responsibility for your actions is vital.

Also, we must be satisfied and content within ourselves in order to come to a relationship maturely and with the best possibilities of succeeding. If you arrive with all your negative baggage intact expecting your mate to make you happy you are in for big disappointments. A positive outlook has to come from within. The bottom line is that without self-exploration and self-discovery one cannot pull out of this emotional quagmire.

On another note, I believe the excessive divorce rate highlights the inherent misconceptions our society has about the leap from high note of courtship to the everyday reality of marriage. Frequently, the unspoken rules, demands and expectations change the moment you sign on the dotted line. Because a new family is formed- husband and wife – does the specter of a dysfunctional childhood rise up and interfere with rational thinking? It may. These are only a small number of issues that should be dealt with before saying, “I do.”

Copyright 2025, Frances Metzman
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