Does your partner listen attentively to what you say? Does he/she remember important issues you discussed the day after? Do they ask pertinent questions about your issues? Do they ask how they can be of help or if they should keep a distance? If you say you want input, do you get it?

If every answer to the questions is a “no” then you might have a partner who shuts down in an argument or refuses to get involved in an outright fight. This can be very frustrating. If it is simply they don’t know how to handle confrontation that’s one thing. It’s another if it’s outright manipulation with awareness that silence will drive you mad.
Below are some suggestions if — you merely get a shrug and waning attention, and silence during a fight with your partner.

Let’s take the more innocent approach that your partner is either mistrusting or simply puzzled on how to handle these situations. They can happen quickly and escalate even faster.

• You must garner their trust. Their shut-down probably is not personal. They need signs you are to be trusted.
• Try not to make accusations in the face of silence. They might be trying to gather strength to answer but it is difficult because of their lack of trust.
• Don’t take most of the time in an argument, but share it. Make sure each has enough time to get out what is on their minds.
• If they seem bamboozled in how to answer, give them more time. Tell them to think about the issue and tell you about it when ready. It is incumbent upon the shut-down person to try to gather thoughts and vocalize them without too much time going by. Days going by makes for resentment.
• Try to keep a calm voice. Shouting only aggravates the situation if your partner is just overwhelmed and can’t think straight.
• Take one issue at a time. Don’t throw out numerous problems at once. At this time, hopefully, they trust you enough to speak.
• Ask your partner if you asked for a response in a way that upset them. Listen and try to adjust.
• Would it be better to write down the issues bothering you and ask for a written response? Try it. If that doesn’t work onward and upward to other ways.
• Even if you find your partner, in your opinion, is not correct in their judgement, don’t interrupt. Wait until they finish and try gently to point out the inconsistencies you think is in their perceptions.
  *If you’ve got them talking, that’s half the battle. Try to work with what they are telling you.
• Perhaps find articles by authorities about the problem and share them. Try to work within the parameters the expert therapists are suggesting.
• Assuming all this has worked and you have your partner talking, then use that as a guide for future confrontations. Listen carefully to your partner and expect the same.
• Lastly, if nothing works and you have been patient and kind in your efforts to get your partner sharing their thoughts, you might need to go to outside counseling. It must be determined by another person whether the silence is deliberate or something they can’t help. Learn what you can negotiate and what you can’t.

Copyright 2025 Frances Metzman
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