This is an issue raised in THE CHA-CHA BABES OF PELICAN WAY. Celia, the main character, had severe depression during her daughter’s growing up years. It left scars on Allison’s psyche as you can imagine. When Allison became an adult, Celia tried hard to make amends, but for a long time it didn’t work. They remained in touch but tension haunted all of their interactions. That is until Celia, by her actions, proved how much she loved her daughter.

In another article we talked about parents making amends with adult children. Now l’d like to address how adult children might make amends with parents. Assuming that there was no physical abuse or intense verbal abuse (both of which are hard to excuse), do we just assume they did their best to rectify that trauma they caused? I know someone who had a bad relationship with her mother. When the mother was given a prognosis of a year to live they decided to go into therapy. It did give closure to the daughter. I believe it is an excellent way to find some peace before a parent dies. Otherwise, there is always a festering wound that never closes. It can pursue a person forever and prevent them from moving on with their lives.

Making amends about what happened in the past is a way to give some emotional relief to the adult child. One can possibly put it all behind them. Circumstances, beyond anyone’s control, might have created the rift. Maybe it was a bad marriage that the parents had and the child becomes the battering ram. Perhaps poor finances created an atmosphere of ugly tension. Maybe depression in one or both parents, a common issue, made their parenting skills disappear and they could not concentrate on their children. There are numerous reasons why parents might be indifferent to children’s needs. Excuses are not totally valid, but taking the entire picture into consideration might make for forgiveness.

My mother had her favorite female child among her five offspring. It was not me. In addition, in her era, boys were special and had all the attention. I felt kind of invisible. I fell between the cracks. My mother kept a beautifully clean, neat home and was an excellent cook. Food was her way to show love. We never truly connected, but we remained intact.
She lived with me when she became ill. But I regret not trying to go deeper to uncover the famous closure we all seem to need. I wrote several mother/daughter daughter short stories, seeking the spiritual consolation that puts the aching to rest. I never did find it in real life. But writing about the difficulties in fiction gave me the sense I could design the way our lives should have come to a happy ending before she died. But that is fiction.

I am of the opinion there should be some path to take or create with the offending parent that will give you both a sense of peace. I can’t help but think that finding forgiveness in our hearts gives balance to our lives and establishes strength to our mental well being. If at all possible, try. Maybe it won’t work but you will know you gave it your best. That might be enough to call a halt to the painful memories.

Copyright 2025, Frances Metzman
Share your thoughts below!